This Word You Keep Using...

A post in which I complain about would be allies, and abuse italics and bold type.

So the other day, while buying supplies for a dress I was making I ran into someone I know.
This person isn't a close friend, but certainly consider them a friendly acquaintance and someone who I know well enough to be surprised when they attempted to compliment me by saying how much better I look than the other trans person they know.
They then went on to gender police further by basically saying that people like me (i.e, people lucky enough to pass as cis gendered) she can understand but that basically, she couldn't see why someone who didn't pass would want to transition.
When she started talking about another friend, who is a trans man,  she misgendered him and when I corrected her she went on to justify her position by saying that HE was a sweet guy, but that SHE made a poor man.
Because clearly, a trans individual's success or failure at being the person they are totally hinges on the aesthetic concerns of cis gendered people.

This whole interaction was so soaked in cis privilege that it made my head spin.  I did my best to be polite and gently correct her assumptions, but in the end I just wanted to buy the things I needed, and not get into a lengthy educational debate while both of us were at work.
I made nice and left.

And then, a couple of hours later, because it was still eating at me and because it had made me dysphoric to the point that I kept seeing a guy in the mirror, I tweeted and posted on facebook about it.
Or at least about the "you look so good! way better than that other tranny..." part of it.

Most responses I got were unconditionally supportive and of the "I can't believe that happened" or "I'm so sorry you had to deal with that" variety, but a few were of the "well at least she was trying" and "you just need to educate her" kind.

And you know what, I agree, the whole time I spoke to her I kept calm and cheerful because I didn't for a second think she was trying to be hurtful, but it's NOT. THAT. SIMPLE.

The thing is, what she was doing was attempting to be nice to me [a trans person] without giving up any of her [a cis person] privilege.
By telling me I'm "one of the good ones" as it were, she was tacitly admitting that trans people make her uncomfortable.  That's fine, she's allowed to feel the way she feels and I appreciate someone who's brave enough to say "hey, I'm kind of weirded out by trans people" because even if they aren't trying to do anything about it, at least their self aware on the matter.
Where this becomes a problem is that she's not just telling me, "some trans people make me uncomfortable because of how I'm used to thinking about gender" she's then adding "you understand don't you?  I mean, the ugly ones make you uncomfortable too right?"
She's asking me to be complicit in her transphobia, and even more unpleasant is that it isn't just a request, because it's couched in the terms of a compliment about my appearance, it's a bribe.
It's saying "if you agree with me that those other trans people are awkward/ugly/a bit strange, I'll extend to you my cis privilege."

So really, no, she's not trying to be nice.  Whether she knows it or not she's being divisive.
She isn't supporting me as a trans person, she's supporting me IN SPITE of my being trans.

Now, to any of you who ever find yourself saying, "well at least they were trying" or "you just need to educate them" here's the thing.

You're doing exactly the same thing, you're asking for permission to keep your privilege.
You're telling me "I don't want to have to police cis people, can't you do it for me?"
No, I can't.

I spend a lot of time in respectful conversation on this topic.
I'm a huge advocate of education and of cooler heads prevailing, but I have neither the time nor the energy to make every instance of transphobia I encounter a "teachable moment".
Thats WHY I'm complaining to you about this, I do it in the hope that you'll learn something, and that maybe the next time you see someone you know saying something dumb, you'll take the time to set them right for me, because there are an awful lot more of you than there are of me.
When you dismiss the harm caused by other cis people with "well, at least they were trying", you're not giving them the benefit of the doubt, you're absolving yourself from responsibility because just like me, you don't want to have to deal with it.
Except  unlike me, when you walk away from those situations, you have the luxury of forgetting them because they don't remind you that you're different, they remind you that you're "normal".
I don't need to give cis people the benefit of the doubt, that's what privilege IS, it's the fact that in that sphere, you automatically have the benefit of the doubt.
The day when you no longer have it, I'll be more than happy to extend it, and we'll all be a lot closer to equality.