Club Stealth

I went out clubbing last Friday.
It's been a while since I got out to go dancing and I really needed to go out and free myself to some hard electro and trance.  Jochen Miller did not disappoint.
I fact, the whole night was awesome.
A friend had given me this awesome, super sexy kinda metallic black dress with zipper all the way up the front and rouched panels that was clingy enough to give even me cleavage.
The overall effect was hot.

Actually, truth be told, I was a little nervous that I'd overdone it.
The more time I spend getting ready, the more I find myself feeling that I must look "tans" when I'm done.  Too much time spent on tiny details will do that to you.
 Anyway, we were running late by that point so I was heading out the door one way or another.

Now I will say, for most of my life I have had pretty bad social anxiety, going out clubbing was always a huge internal struggle for me.  It's gotten much better since I started transition though, but this night still had a lingering edge to it.  It was part of the reason I was running late, and it was there when I got to the club.  Not to bad though, have a drink and onto the dance floor.
Basically, I danced for a while, getting used to the 5" stiletto heels, and feeling a little self conscious due to my anxiety and, well, I'm 6'4" in these heels and dressed like there's a good chance I work in the adult entertainment industry.
Time for a little more liquid courage so I head back to the bar and, I get bought a drink.
This has never happened before.  I mean sure friends have bought me drinks, but not the random dude at the bar scenario.
I like it.
Dude is pretty cool, we chat for a minute and then he goes back to the dance floor.
He will later come back for his "drinks worth" by grinding on me until I'm forced to leave the dance floor and hide for a while, but whatever.
Drink or no, that fact that he gets creepy later on be damned, at the time this really did make my night.
This probably seems a bit egotistical to write about, and perhaps it doesn't make much sense to my cis readers, but that was kind of a huge deal for me.
See, one of the problems with being trans is, I DO feel validated by things like this.
Things that conform to sexist stereotypes that my well-versed-in-feminism female friends may role their eyes at, I kinda like because I NEVER EXPERIENCED all that growing up.  This shit is still pretty shiny and new.  Hell, being the victim sexism feels validating in a fucked up way.
And I get it.
I get how problematic that can be for some people, but you know what, until society as a whole accepts my gender identity, I'm going to get my validation where I can because dammit, no one can internally validate the way trans people are expected to.

So happily validated a(t least in my outward appearance), and drink in hand, i head back to the dance floor.
Long story short, I had a bloody brilliant time.  I got hit on all night, got bought drinks, had my personal space violated, made out with a random cute guy (and managed not to give him my number) didn't get wasted, didn't get read, and went home with the lovely people I came with to....continue having an awesome night.
I've been feeling high about it ever since.
That nagging doubt about my appearance, at least for the time being, has been swept completely away and I've been loving the person I see in the mirror.

And I've been thinking.

I've been thinking a lot about the fact I could have very easily gone home with any of a half dozen different guys that night, and if I had, I might very well be dead right now.
That's a potential danger for any girl who goes home with a random guy from the club, but for trans girls, the ratio for

awesome-1-night-stand : OMG-regret : rape : dead

is tilted very far to the right.
I've never thought much about the idea of Stealth before.  I tend to hang out with friends who all know I'm trans, or date online where I can put that out there ahead of time and not worry about it.
Stealth has been something that other people do.
Until the other night.
Because why on earth would I want to put my self at risk of violence in a club?  Or at the very least at risk of having a table full of guys pointing and snickering all evening, just because dude wanted to buy me a drink?
As much as I enjoyed the attention, as much as it's still making me feel good about myself right now, I also recognize that rape culture endangers me even more* than it does cis women because IT is the single biggest reason that the "deceitful tranny" narrative exists.

"I buy you a drink, you owe me sex" can turn nasty for any girl.
Add to that sense of entitlement, the idea that my private medical history is some devious web of deceit spun to trick drinks out of horny entitled guys, and that "fuck you, you bitch" becomes "I'm going to fucking kill you you fagot"

Hell, this might still come back to bite me as it is.  It's not as if there aren't people at the club who know I'm trans.  I may run into that guy I kissed on another night and someone may say something and I could find myself in an unpleasant situation.  That much of a risk I'm willing to take, but no one night stands for me.

It doesn't matter how lucky I am in my physical appearance, how well I "pass" (horrid term) Certain situations will never allow me the same freedoms as cis-gendered people experience.

Oh well, I'm still fucking awesome.

*Statistically 1 in 5 cis-women are victims of rape/sexual assault.  The figure for trans-women is 50%.
1 in 4 trans women are victims of physical assault and we are 1000 times more likely to be murdered than cis-gendered women.