Emotional Road Rash

I think my medication dosage my be off.
I won't know for sure until I get more blood work done but I have a suspicion that my testosterone is too high.
In the meanwhile I am a little less than happy about that I'm seeing the last 5 months of my ever more feminine appearance start to slowly evaporate.
Last night I woke up in the middle of what I have concluded was a full blown panic attack.
Chest pain, feeling like I couldn't breath and thoughts looping around in my head like in a fever dream.
Lyssa's getting up to change the kid, which could have taken only a minute or two, seemed to be an unending wash cycle of motion and physical sensation that threatened to completely overwhelm me with terror so in the end I had to flee and go lie on the couch for an hour until I calmed down.
Seriously, just having someone moving beside me in bed was completely unbearable as my thoughts ate themselves over and over again like Jörmungandr's offspring.
When I calmed down and and returned to bed I had weird nightmares, the only one I can recall being worthy to relate as it was such a darkly absurd scenario.
In this dream, several of my friends and I were Ponies of the "friendship is magic" variety,  Pony gaiety abounded until I was seized, dragged away and had my body torn off until a boy was left.  I was then handed a gun and sent to join the army.
The rest of the dream essentially being bootcamp.

I have been trying to maintain a level of patience throughout the process of transition.  After all, rushing through the next few years of my life with eyes fixed on the horizon seems kind of unhealthy.
I try to maintain a connection to the present and keep positive about renovations I'm doing to my body, even if the plumbing isn't the best.The feeling that I'm loosing what ground I've gained though, that scares the crap out  of me.
To be bluntly honest, the only thing that scares me more than the idea of going back to being male bodied is the thought of something happening to my daughter.
So today I feel raw.
Much like the pony I was, I've had all the skin torn off, and my nerves are bare to the world.
Emotional road rash.