I'm depressed.
I haven't been depressed for over a year so the fact that I am now is really worrying me.
Depression was a pretty regular part of my life pre-transition.
Two or three times a year I'd watch as my mood dropped away beneath me and I found myself numb, emotionless and exhausted.
It usually lasted a few couple of months before lifting.
I'd like to think that it was something that I decided to do each time that finally got me out of it but, in hindsight, I'm not so sure.
Since I started transitioning I'd had some emotional ups and downs but i had not been depressed.
Until now.
This last month I moved into a new appartment and, at around the same time, my hormone levels dropped. For the first two weeks, while I was moving my stuff and working like crazy to get the place clean, I was also going trough all the symptoms of menopause, I think I also had a viral infection too.
As exhausting as it all was I was still upbeat, still feeling positive
These last two weeks though have been just like the old days.
After almost a whole year without being depressed (the longest period of my adult life) I find myself back in this all too familiar pit and I am scared.
I'm scared because I thought I'd found the answer to my emotional problems, and now?
Of course, I just switched to injectable estrogen and there will be a period of adjustment and fine tuning to get the dosage right, and maybe it's just that.
Or maybe it's that my house is still such a mess that I feel trapped in my bedroom and unable to face it.
Or maybe, depressed is just who I am as a person, maybe this is just me returning to baseline after one good year.
It can't be that last option, I simply can't let it be.
Not after having felt truly like myself for the first time ever.
Going back to that place is worse than death and I can't let it happen.
I just don't know what I can do to stop it.
