Killing Yourself On The Road

When I started transition I knew there would be change.
I knew that.
I mean, obviously there would be change.
I knew there would be change.

I had no idea.

As I was standing on my (as of last night) ex-boyfriends balcony earlier this week, looking out at the cascades I was filled with a profound sense of how completely my life has been changing.
Two weeks ago my wife and I reached the decision to separate.
Thankfully it's been very amicable, we're still good friends, we just drive each other up the wall as lovers.  It happens.
But as I'm stood there, thinking about all the changes in my personality, thinking about the fact that my own anger no longer terrifies me and how I let fly from time to time now.  Thinking about how my social anxiety is evaporating off bit by bit as I keep tearing myself open to let the light in and deny shame any refuge within my soul.
I realize, I have changed.
When I first came out to my friends some of them were concerned about how much I'd change.
Would they know or like this new person? I thought at the time their fears were a little overblown, I mean, I was still going to be me.  There would still be something essentially me at the core right?
So wrong.
I hardly remember who I was.
My mind has quite conveniently, and without being asked too, re-written most of my early memories.  I have to correct myself in my own head to remember having ever been male bodied when I was living back in Wales.
My more recent memories, those that took place here in the US, seem like I dreamed them, or like they were a movie I watched and don't really remember.
I don't relate to that guy anymore.
I'm having a hard time remembering him at all.
I watched some video of myself the other day.
That's not me.
Intellectually, I know I'm the person in that video.
But i viscerally KNOW that isn't me.
Every day that passes a little bit more Thom disappears.

Death of the self is a scary prospect.
Teleporters always scared me.
Being disassembled and reassembled that way, would you really be you at the other end?  Or would you just be a copy?  The original person completely destroyed in the process.
I think if Thom had know that this would be a slow motion teleportation into Rowan, that he would be truly destroyed in the process, he would have been terrified.
But I'm not.
I'm fearless.
I have killed myself and lived to tell the tale.
To those of you who were worried I would become a different person, you were right.  I am not the person you knew before.
I'm brand new, and you've only just met me.