A few years ago I had a conversation with my father about how people used Facebook.
We talked a lot about incautious sharing of private information, mostly about people who were posting their drunken escapades, or bigoted political views.
We wondered whether these people realized that they were creating a permanent record that could harm them in their careers, or at least embarrass them.
We likened them to folks who ran out naked into the town square ranting and raving.
At the time it seemed that technology was moving so fast that people hadn't had time to learn how to behave appropriately in these new public spaces we were creating.
My feelings about this have changed.
For a start, Facebook has changed, allowing more curated feeds and ensuring that we miss most of what our friends are doing unless we actively opt in. That alone significantly changes the town square feeling to perhaps, having a fight with the windows open so that people passing by in the street can overhear.
But here's the big thing for me.
That sense of "overshare" is based on what?
Why are we repulsed when someone displays "poor judgement" publicly?
Why are we still repulsed when someone breaks down publicly?
Why do we object when someone Vaguebooks for help?
I'm not saying there should be no regard for behavioral norms or social nicety, but just what are those norms based upon?
Mostly, they're based on shaming people, on telling people that asking for help is a personal failing, on telling people "you shouldn't feel that way".
By behaving this way we condemn social media platforms to the impersonal and trivial.
This morning I've been going through something of an emotional breakdown.
It's the Seattle pride parade this weekend and For the thirteenth year in a row I have been planing on avoiding it. There's even a Trans*pride march on friday. It's one of the few in the country, and the first in Seattle since 1997 (which was the first ever I believe).
I've always avoided pride because, and I'm just figuring this out now, it set off my dysphoria and challenged my denial something awful.
I couldn't stand to go as a "straight ally".
So I stayed away.
I stayed away and resented it.
It's hard to let go of the anger that creates.
It's hard to decide to join in when it's such a stark reminder of how much of my life I've missed by trying to live someone else's.
In the end, I give up keeping quiet.
Sitting around feeling increasingly crappy as Pride approached and not a single person* asked me if I was going, asked if I was marching for trans pride and if I'd like their support.
But we're taught not to ask for help.
We fear that if we do, if we have to ask, then how will we know that any support we get is sincere?
So in the end, I can't stand it anymore and I commence to Vaguebooking.
Because I can't just ask for help.
That's to close to being a failure.
I think the reason I find vaguebooking to be annoying in others is the same thing that forces me to do it. I'm projecting my own shame at needing help yet being unable to speak up, to just ask for what I need, onto others.
Sometimes what looks like emotional immaturity in others is technology tearing at the edges of a system of oppression.
Those of you who read this blog tell me that you value the rawness and emotional honesty I put into it.
I'm not ashamed of being that person here and I won't be shamed for it in public.
Just leave Brittany alone ok?
* Ok, I received a couple of event invites, but no one asked me personally and I know why, I seem to be doing pretty well, and Pride is huge, so they probably just missed me last year right, and maybe I was busy the year before but surely....
I just seem like the type of person who goes to Pride.
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